I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
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Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Finally gathered all my thoughts and now they’re jumping me.
angry women in movies can cut their hair with a hunting knife over a dirty bathroom sink and look incredible, but when I have scissors and a mirror and all the time in the world I look like lord farquaad if he got caught in a lawn mower
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
So my rum and raisin cake is gluten free.
It’s also raisin free.
And cake free.
OK it’s just rum
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
The Children of the Corn were better with the Children of the Butter and the Children of the Salt.
In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?
“Your copier’s not working right. My copies all came out blank.”
“Looks like you ran them through wrong-side-up.”
“So, what, I need to flip them over?”
“Or we could turn the copier upside-down but that seems like a lot of work.”
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Sorry my spirit animal peed on you.