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You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
excuse me
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
TWEET CALL
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I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Care for your back
concern
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.