@myqkaplan

i’ve defeated every escape room there is by not entering any of them.

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@XplodingUnicorn

Me: What does that cloud look like to you?

3-year-old: A cloud.

Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?

3-year-old: Rain.

@newLettuce

[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!

Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment

Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here

@Contwixt

Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.

@WittySassBasket

If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.

@slaughthie

I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you

@GrantTanaka

wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what

@peachesanscream

Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

@Ygrene

Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this

Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords

@joshreavis

“I don’t need any more books. I need to finish the books I have.”

Sees new book: