Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
i’ve defeated every escape room there is by not entering any of them.
You Might Also Like
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!
Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: no witnesses
When libraries troll their patrons.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
“I don’t need any more books. I need to finish the books I have.”
Sees new book: