I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
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Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
When I (vegetarian) hear the server list the specials and don’t want to hurt their feelings: Hmmm the filet mignon sounds really nice. Shrimp linguine, that I’m sure is delicious too. Let me think oh yeah I’ll have the fries.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
How blind am I? Thank you so much for asking. I spent entirely too long trying to beckon the cat over to me in the middle of the night only to realize upon waking that I was gesturing to a stack of towels I neglected to put away before I fell asleep
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
inside you are two wolves
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell