Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Texting with my wife while she’s out*

Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !

Me: YOU’RE *

The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.

I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”

Going to a wedding today:

Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.

Clearly I have work to do with the little one.

Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets

90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan

Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.

Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.

Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.

I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings

me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs

proctologist: how many are in here

DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.

Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.

*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.

Tremendous stuff

2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!

2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.

wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix

Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war

Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”

Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?

Son: *looks puzzled* The what?

Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.

Son:

Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.

Son: Oh that.

Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.

Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks

Dinner time:

*opens fridge & stares

*moves to cabinet & stares

*moves back to fridge & lowers standards

I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.

tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards

me: but that means change or rebirth, right?

tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no

Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.

Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula

Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog

the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village

Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious