Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.

MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy

Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices

“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked

Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying

Brother: They’re speaking Korean!

Mom: Shhh

Monica just destroyed the internet

Live, Laugh, Love

Leer, Lunge, Lactate

Do things that start with L

Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.

Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.

There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.

Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?

Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.

I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”

When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.

DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.

Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.

I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal

ㅤㅤ

I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.

Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?

Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”

Two days have passed, no reply.

[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,

Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.

Me: Was it Don Henley?

Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.

Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.

gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.

Krampus.

How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.

do mermaids get waxed or descaled

i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section