Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”

And now we wait…

Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.

-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)

I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.

Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?

Me: yes

Options For My Knees Being Shaved:

1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.

2. No cuts but patches of hair left.

3. Sasquatch.

Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”

I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble

I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.

ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.

I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.

*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat

Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too

Coworker: What a crazy weekend!

Me: *takes a knee*

CW: What are you doing?

M: Protesting this conversation.

Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood

What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again

date: I like it when guys know what they want in life

me: *megaphone right in her face* ham

My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.

Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you

Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.

Dear Santa,

I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.

Oh, SONOFA-

I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.

My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.

*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*

me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*

When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:

1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius

I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.

When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”

dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”

Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.

I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.

Wow your dad must be a rich man.

No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.