I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
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My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Can’t wait for the Olympics to start so the country can be on the same side again
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.