I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
smart people are like huskies
if you don’t give them an interesting problem, they become an interesting problem
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Icarus loved hot wings.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
