I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
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Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
So good at ordering donuts my doctor is ordering me a special pill to take every morning.
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
why no one uses midhusbands
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
He looks like he’s got a lot to say
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
2024: “I’m sick of that Hawk Tauh Girl… When is her 15 minutes of fame gonna be up?”
2032: “I hope President Hawk Tauh Girl gets a second term.”
Me: Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.
Also me: No, $9.11 does not count.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat