I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
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8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
new shirt idea
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?