I’ve disappointed better people.
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I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.