I’ve disappointed better people.
You Might Also Like
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Here’s a picture of the beautiful bonsai that died right after I got it. Ah, too bad but at least I’ve got this great picture of it. Picture, where’s the picture? Fuck!
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
I put the hot in psychotic.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
what’s this 9 year gap in your resume?
Me: oh that? someone bought me a Rubik’s cube
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK