I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
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I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!