Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.

Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?

Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired

Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible

Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?

Date: *biting lip* oh yea

*[At the dinner table]*

“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”

[jumps in Uber]

ME: HURRY I’M LATE

UBER: [starts driving]

ME: PULL OVER HERE

[jumps out, pets dog]

ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO

Meow?

Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks

Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks

Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.

Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?

Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?

Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!

-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets

Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was

I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah

The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the room

Me to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT

Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re

at my child’s request I’ve been sending carrots to school for the rabbit. Today I asked to stop by the classroom where the rabbit is and discovered that the rabbit is a puppet

Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy

I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.

Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?

MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.

We have ants and tonight at dinner:

My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?

3yo: I can.

Me: No, humans can’t smell it.

3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.

Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.

Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from

[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*

Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.

I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.

In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale

Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.

People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.