I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
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Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Be brave. Tell your boss “I don’t think we are quite there yet” when he uses your first name.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
I bet
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
dinosaurs are always described as “roaming” the earth which is patronizing as hell i bet they had places to go and important shit to do
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
why can’t i explore the dentist’s mouth too
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him