I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
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I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
guy who strips completely naked before starting a fight with the menswear guy
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”