I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
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do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
If I ever move into a mansion, it means I definitely won the lottery, or I’m successfully blackmailing someone.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Hey. Remember in the first grade when we were all just chilling then some kid would throw up out of nowhere
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
playing pool? you mean swimming?