I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.
If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.
If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.
This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
The shittier a bank’s website is, the safer your money is. Clean and easy to use web portal? You’re being scammed. Barely functioning console log looking windows 95 ass flash page? Sleep easy at night.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
I’m so glad the internet is like this now.
