I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.
If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.
If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.
This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts
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Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
What do you mean the band goes on at 9pm? That’s the middle of the night.
Not being able to see likes on comments is a tragedy. Love it when two people are arguing and you can see all their little backup dancers
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record