“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
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All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
I like it thick and deep
Pizza