I’ve discovered the best way to punish 17, is to put on the same outfit as her, then follow her around all day yelling out “TWINSIES!”

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Caller: I’m your worst nightmare.

Me: Whaaat?? You’re a sugar free cookie??


*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
*runs away


Before kids: I’ll never lie to my children.

With kids: Eating candy after dark makes you poop spiders.


Not now, kids.

Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet


EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.


I’m in charge of eight kids tonight. No big deal though I can be really responsib–

I’m in charge of seven kids tonight. No big deal though


ME: one ariana please

STARBUCKS: what size

ME: *winks at camera*


Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace

Me: *writing notes* international bees only


How’s adulting going for me today u ask?

Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car

While using my phone as a flashlight.