[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
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Thank Satan it’s Monday.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is