Caller: I’m your worst nightmare.
Me: Whaaat?? You’re a sugar free cookie??
I’ve discovered the best way to punish 17, is to put on the same outfit as her, then follow her around all day yelling out “TWINSIES!”
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*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
Before kids: I’ll never lie to my children.
With kids: Eating candy after dark makes you poop spiders.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
I’m in charge of eight kids tonight. No big deal though I can be really responsib–
I’m in charge of seven kids tonight. No big deal though
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.