ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
I’ve discovered the best way to punish 17, is to put on the same outfit as her, then follow her around all day yelling out “TWINSIES!”
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mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
Everyone suffering from diseases and natural disasters: hang in there, we’re liking Facebook posts as fast as we can
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
dad: What’s a fuse?
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
Cop: are you currently under the influence of any mind altering substances?
Me: just that gorgeous smile of yours
Cop: get outta here
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Prom night for my 17 year old daughter, or as I like to call it, ‘Dad spends the evening sharpening his axe’ night.