I’ve discovered the best way to punish 17, is to put on the same outfit as her, then follow her around all day yelling out “TWINSIES!”

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ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man

ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*


mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10

me: ok


me: hey grandma

grandma: hello dear

me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842


Everyone suffering from diseases and natural disasters: hang in there, we’re liking Facebook posts as fast as we can


Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.


dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh


A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.


Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.


Cop: are you currently under the influence of any mind altering substances?

Me: just that gorgeous smile of yours

Cop: get outta here


You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.


Prom night for my 17 year old daughter, or as I like to call it, ‘Dad spends the evening sharpening his axe’ night.