I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
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A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Risking my life for fun.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
Decided to eat outside and a gust of wind just blew half my salad away. Welcome to British summer.
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties