Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie

If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.

My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.

If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*has to pee*

*watches soccer*

*gets up to pee*

*misses goal*

:/

Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”

Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.

They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update

Me: Any news?

Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.

Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.

Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.

I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.

There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture

Follow your dreams. Hire a detective to track them down and confront them in a motel parking lot.

interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years

me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away

If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever

My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.

– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny

“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.

Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.

*phone rings*

Girlfriend: Hello.

Me: Hi, baby.

GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!

M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.

GF: No, you told me.

M:

GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?

M: Are they available?

We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.

Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did

no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????

What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?

My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’

When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.

I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.

The key to a clean house is dim lighting.

OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for

GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome

Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.

When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.

I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.