Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY

Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED

At my age, you check a friend’s FB page to make sure they’re still alive before wishing them a happy birthday.

Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.

Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.

GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo

*family screams*

SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people

I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.

Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that

i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.

*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT

[blind date]

HER: I love classic rock.

ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.

Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.

Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.

Dad at the park told me he thinks the age gap between my kids was a bad idea and seemed too hard. He says the age gap between his kids was better. Very helpful thank you!

The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.

pain

Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach

Adding more corn and pumpkin to my diet this fall.

[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha

[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk

10:03pm
Wife: Honey, can you put away the left over chicken before you come to bed?

Me: Sure.

11:09pm
Me, eating the last of the chicken: I feel like I’m forgetting something.

My wife says the kids look just like their father…

…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do

Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.

nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing

“Right, whose round is it?”

Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.

My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.

I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.

Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.

I’m dismayed…

I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.

son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?

dad: sure, I’ll join you.

son: should we watch them back to back?

dad: no side by side probably works better.