Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”

So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.

It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house

date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist

I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”

I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets

Don’t even get into my car if you’re just gonna scream every time I hit someone.

[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us

Free will was a bad idea.

I should have charged for it.

[at Doctor’s office]

“When’s the last time you had sex?”

Last night.

“With a male or female?”

Oh…with another person?

[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?

I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it

*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*

Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!

Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow

Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.

Me: Oh great, another reboot!

*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule

– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons

[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad

Telling my car to speak English when a dashboard light comes on.

I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!

“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”

Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.

I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.

Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.

In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.

In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?

I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.

Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.

Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.

Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?

everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places

*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.

People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing

My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location

me: how do i use this inhaler?

doctor: you suck.

me: i’m trying sorry