Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

waiter: is pepsi ok

pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok

Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need

There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.

Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”

i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.

I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever

one thing about September, everyday is about 5 people’s birthday 😭😭

Judge: how do you plead?

Me: like this 🙏

Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.

Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.

That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.

People always tell me I’d be “late to my own funeral” like it’s a bad thing. They’d be lucky if I even showed up to that depressing shit.

Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves

Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.

I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.

My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat

Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.

A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave

My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.

I never dropped acid in college but I did drop American Lit, Intro to Philosophy, General Chemistry and Phys Ed.

When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.

Me: I’d like a pumpkin ale.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE BEER

Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”

and then there’s this guy:

The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.

no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them

The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.

Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.

One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.

12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight