I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
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“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
every. time.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Thursday Thought.
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.