@Jandalize

I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.

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@wokkax3

I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.

@CakeThrottle

Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears

@Shade510

Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.

~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.

@kumailn

“Kumail.
Kumail.
K. U. M.
No. M.
Just write Jason.”

– me right after ordering coffee

@PleaseBeGneiss

[inserting row in excel]

Excel: copy font format from the row above?

Me: no I’ll handle it

Excel: and copy border from below?

Me: no why?

Excel: idk :/

Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?

Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂

@AnitaAlibi

My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.

@theshantilly

Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?

Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.

@LOsepyan

If those Amazon drones can really get to your house in 30 minutes then condoms are about to become their #1 selling item.

@JustMeTurtle

It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.