Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 3y/o is the only girl at her small daycare. I was thrilled when she started talking about her new friend Piper and how much they loved to play. Every day for months: Piper this, Piper that.

Finally I asked the daycare lady about maybe scheduling a playdate.

Piper is a cat.

I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.

I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.

mom: why is your room always so messy

me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die

The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”

My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat

PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it

ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you

I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.

in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.

me choking on my own saliva for no reason.

I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?

With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.

So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.

REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes

Therapist: healing isn’t linear

Me: what if I pay extra?

men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>

When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.

We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.

[spider’s junk email folder]

-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$

-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU

-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY

Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.

Mars has enough problems already.

just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏

Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.

I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros

How do books end up in a prison library? Do they have to do something bad like giving someone a papercut?

“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY

My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.

Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?

*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.

[puppy farm]

PUPPY: Crops look good this year

The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat

Oh really? We’ll see what the same 6 people who always agree with me think about that

[on deathbed – calls for son]

“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”

Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.