Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eminem walks into a bar.

Bartender: You only get one shot.

Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.

DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor

ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on

Wife: “What did your teacher remember about September 11th?”

Nine-year-old: “She was only four then, she doesn’t remember it at all.”

I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.

~Late night couch potato dilemma

Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow

Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.

Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.

arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”

Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses

I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.

He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”

Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.

I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.

Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-

My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON

It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.

Today I quit drinking wine for good.

Now I only drink for evil.

A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.

Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.

me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider

“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”

One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.

The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.

Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.

Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.

I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.

Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.

“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.

I look at her.

I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.

What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.

INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?

ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.

Dental Hygenist: can I ask a question?

Me: You’ve had your fingers in my mouth for 15 minutes, ask whatever you want