Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?

Just me and my debit card against the world

People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.

wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids

In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.

I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.

I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”

I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.

I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles

[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]

scientist 1: well?

scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything

s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please

If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend

“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate

I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…

to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone

[Italian restaurant]

LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”

TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”

“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.

Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.

Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.

Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.

{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!

PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.

I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”

Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?

Me: Ice cream

So help me if I only taste dos leches in my tres leches cake

*15 seconds into makeup application*

I’m bored. This is good enough.

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*dolphin diving off a cliff*

Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.

“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.

Change is always hard….

Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.

It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity

What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.

What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.

[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]