Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.

My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.

“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag

PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.

KID: Okay.

PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.

Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.

Someone in their late 20s giving advice to someone in their early 20s is exactly like when a toddler is obsessed with a newborn

Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”

My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.

I said, try ordering Tacos instead.

If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.

Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.

Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.

The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.

Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh

[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”

*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*

“Oh.”

I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.

Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.

“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago

If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started

My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am

I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.

I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.

I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.

Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118

Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.

the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face

me: I wish for infinite wishes!

genie: ok

me: wait are you serious

genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit

me: dinosaurs can’t jump

her: how do u know

me: they’re all dead Linda

the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.

what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.

“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day

I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!