Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*weather drops 2 degrees*

me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas

Multitask? I can barely unitask

ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man

ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*

dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?

What do we want?

Decisiveness!

When do we want it?

Ummm…

My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat

It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get

Strange

Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.

Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.

Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.

hear me out : pockets for your socks

I trust my car navigation the same way I do the floor arrows in Ikea and If we end up in a lake… so be it

*proposes to girlfriend*

*accidentally drops ring in the street*

“I’ll still marry you”

Sorry, I’m married to the streets now

I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.

Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.

I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.

I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.

NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored

Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?

Me: Boiling water?

Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.

Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.

– Respirational Tweet

If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.

If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.

I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.

My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look

*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*

i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops

#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this

A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.

My 7 year old asked me why my brother’s family “only eats 3 meals a day” and that should tell you everything you need to know about my grocery bill.

What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?