Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”

Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

Foo fighters still fighting foo.

The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.

Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.

Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.

One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.

After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.

i want to work in this restaurant

It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.

marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad

Customer: where might I find chicken livers?

Me: on the inside

*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil

The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that

CEO: what’s the store layout

me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions

CEO: ok

me: cigarettes will be right up front

CEO: first of all I love it

That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.

I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.

Who were the kings of disco?

A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees

Fun game:

Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours

me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now

My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory

Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.

If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?

If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies

People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.

Dogs: WTF is “colors”?

You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.

When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.

I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.

cellmate: how did you get here

me: i took the train

cellmate: no i mean what did you do

me: i just told you