I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
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I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
I guess I’ll never be able to walk away from an explosion in a cool way like they do in the movies, this morning my toast popped and I stopped dropped and rolled on my kitchen floor
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
One time, I swallowed a dictionary whole.
It was thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Skills
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine