I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
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[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
My onlyfans will be $9.99 and for that price I’ll ask if I can come over and hang, let you stress-clean because you don’t want me to see how you actually live, then cancel last minute so you can relax by yourself in your nice clean home. It will be called onlyplans.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Rude much 😂😂😂
