Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.

When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.

Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving

the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account

I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!

Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER

6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out

Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”

heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”

Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)

do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy

I’m not coming down from this tree until the mayor agrees to save this park from demolition or sends a really tall ladder up here, maybe places some mattresses around the base.

There are 3 types of people:

1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people

When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.

You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’

I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.

[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet

Me: maybe we should let it live

Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?

Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale

Ahab: …ha

Me: haha

Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez

Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot

Ahab: oh like immediately

Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.

Everybody okay?

[first day as a mechanic]

customer: can i get a quote?

me: give me liberty or give me death

customer: i meant for the truck

me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out

cigarette breaks used to be a great excuse to step away when I felt overwhelmed in social settings until I quit. now I try to get some space and people are like WHERE ARE YOU GOING and I’m like idk I just like to be away from you more often than this

Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive

For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective

[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.

My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.

Husband: my back hurts

Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???

AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.

Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.

I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.

[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour

I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”

ME: I promise it will be different this time

THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*