Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.

Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am

Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are

Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson

The cool thing about ignoring a notification is being surprised to see it over and over again

My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.

The walls, too.

Yup, and ceiling.

I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.

*Arrives at work 2 hrs late

Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior

Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me

This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:

My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.

Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..

Staring sadly at the empty ice cream bowl that’s too small for licking..

I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!

My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.

My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers

“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI send 5 emails a day and check their fantasy football lineups on and off for 8 hours

Xylophonist Shredding It

Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up

Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!

Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.

So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.

Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond

friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear

[later]

tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!

me: holy shit it’s him

I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on

Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.

Me: These are my legs.

People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence

[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out

My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.

Someone should probably go check on Steve.

do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus

officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*

Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys