I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
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Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Monday
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
my powerpoints are getting increasingly desperate as the semester goes on
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.