I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
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I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Me: I like reading funny jokes and watching cat videos
Twitter algorithm: Here’s someone getting run over by a car and people arguing about politics
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
I disagree with my politics
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Ninja turtles from Italy have names like Dave or Randy
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water