i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
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[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
As per my previous tablet…
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
i hope all the people who have me blocked because i annoy them are mad as hell they have to read this shit again. hi.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
If you just start drinking the Dove body wash, people let you skip in line.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.