Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.

I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.

If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.

me, angry: I’m LEAVING-

doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*

ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory

ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back

When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.

Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed

“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”

Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?

Date: I’m looking for security

Me: I double knot my shoelaces

Date: but also excitement

Me: together

I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.

My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.

THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW

“Can I speak to your manager please?”

“I AM the manager”

My doctor told me “good luck” and gave me finger guns so obviously I’m dying

*slams jug on counter*

Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.

Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.

If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?

Fact: The reason the giant A380 has an 2nd floor is because, if it didn’t, the people above would fall on the people below. Idiot.

Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.

I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.

Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.

[Bedroom]

Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that

Her: Sure you do

Him: Time me *holds breath again*

For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…

The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:

– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us

I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.

OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”

Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷‍♀️

still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997

Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?

Cop: How much have you had to drink?

Me: 24 glasses of milk

Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?

Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag

“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”

I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡

*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*

Me: Is anyone here with us?

T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E R

M: Oh my god! Mom!