i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
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Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.