Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after

Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…

Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?

Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.

“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”

“Sir, she came in with you!”

If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.

One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50

I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.

Freeloader.

Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.

– repeat offenders

At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.

Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!

Her: baby I’m so wet

Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now

Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!

“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”

when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone

What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapes

What I could draw:
damaged stairs

*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*

“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?

its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad

Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle

[science fair]

Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner

Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles

Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest

[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.

don’t ask me for pet advice. my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be carried, won’t walk.”

I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game

Breakups are hard but have you ever been disappointed in the food you ordered

6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?

Me: um…

6: when plants die can they be ghosts?

Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.

I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”

Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.

*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*

me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*

Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s