I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
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I think costco should be the next president of the united states
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
Flying is a luxury experience in the same way as getting a colonoscopy is one.
You realize you are privileged to be able to afford it, but that doesn’t make it feel good.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Pikachu found the lost joint
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese