I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
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*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
“oh, i didn’t expect to see you here” i say to the work i left for myself to complete after the holidays
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
WHY would you be happy about this?
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: could I buy a noun
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit