Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭

dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings

All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.

[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep

Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast

LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars

Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.

Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.

– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*

Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.

Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.

[Me flirting with a twenty something]

Him: When last did you get lit?

Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.

Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater

“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”

I tried to cancel the sail I ordered for my new boat but Amazon said:

“We’re sorry, your sail has shipped.”

Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.

I am on my second week of biweekly pay so today I will be showing you how to make a quesadilla out of paper towels

Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.

I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.

BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.

The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend

Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.

Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you

Dung beetle: what’s the good news

Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans

Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?

Evolution: well

Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”

We’re not out of the woods yet.

Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.

im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances

my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees

my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”

me: “you’ll have to be more specific”

[first time trying standup]

Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-

*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT

Me: Please, mom, not now

I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me

Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.

Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?

I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.