I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
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*aggressively waits in line*
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
please may i have the balding salaryman post-it notes….he grows alarmingly more bald as you use them…ah..
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Children of the corn 🌽
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.