I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
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Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Aight bet
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
Practicing safe sax
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
My eggs wouldn’t ring up at the store and the cashier (an older Black man) said “it’s your lucky day!” And put them in my bag for free because “I ain’t calling that manager over here cuz I don’t like him. I’m old enough to be his father and I ain’t going back and forth with him”
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
There will never be a perfect time. Make that mistake now.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.