I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
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My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
me when someone’s obsessed with me: yikes
me when someone’s not obsessed with me: wtf
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
I still can’t believe Aldi sells these for 25 cents. I’ve got 8 of them now and don’t really even have a use for them, it was just too good of a deal to pass up.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
So single the neighborhood cats make ME dinner
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”