Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*date night*

Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!

Me: …omelettes 🙁

I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.

I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”

Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.

Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.

Flying is a luxury experience in the same way as getting a colonoscopy is one.

You realize you are privileged to be able to afford it, but that doesn’t make it feel good.

Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*

SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP

Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.

I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again

My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.

Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.

Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.

TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.

I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time

Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…

*on walkie-talkies

Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically

Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.

We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.

Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.

Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people

Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!

Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes

Cop: The fashion police

Me *kicking my crocs off* shit

Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.

I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave

All Amazon reviews are like

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy

⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY

*meeting a medium for the first time*

Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.

Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?

Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.

me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that

Friend: What’s it like having kids?

Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*

Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.

Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business

If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.