I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
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KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed