Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem

if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet

The most avoided species of shark is the Loan

this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W

Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.

I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.

Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.

Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means

Me: No, what?

H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9

Me: get out

Definition of Insomnia:

Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone

Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.

i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”

Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”

Relationships are all about compromises. If your partner wants the control of the tv remote, you get to control the thermostat.
Easy peasy.
Also I’m divorced

Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.

Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone

Him: But, you hate coconut?

Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.

Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.

My summer body has been pending for about ten years

The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.

Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?

$4 #usedbooks

Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???

Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.

Delete your tweet.

How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?

I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.

Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee

“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”

Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]

what?

That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive