I’ve eliminated 98% of phone calls by answering each time with, “sorry, wrong number”

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When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.


Whichever marketing genius created the “Kim Kardashian Kollection” must not know much about history or acronyms.


The phrase “Whatever floats your boat” is misleading because, practically speaking, the only thing that’s going to float your boat is water.


When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice


“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones


Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”

Friends: “No thanks.”

Enemies: “Also no thanks.”


There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.

Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.



*shakes Uncle Johns ashes in a gold plated ornate urn


Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible

Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too