@turtledumplin

I’ve eliminated 98% of phone calls by answering each time with, “sorry, wrong number”

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@OMGSoOverIt

When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.

@kelkulus

Whichever marketing genius created the “Kim Kardashian Kollection” must not know much about history or acronyms.

@michaelianblack

The phrase “Whatever floats your boat” is misleading because, practically speaking, the only thing that’s going to float your boat is water.

@hayley_hud

When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice

@Elizasoul80

“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones

@stephenjmolloy

Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”

Friends: “No thanks.”

Enemies: “Also no thanks.”

@geekysteven

There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.

***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.

@Poutymcgee

SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YA!

*shakes Uncle Johns ashes in a gold plated ornate urn

@stephanidek

Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible

Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too