“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
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My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
wishing you and yours all the best
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.