I’ve faced more peer pressure to watch certain TV shows than to do drugs.
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Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
never deleting this app.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
if the plane can’t go to the gate, that has nothing to do with me. We landed. I can get out and walk
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
mechanics be like
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be