I’ve faced more peer pressure to watch certain TV shows than to do drugs.
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“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
they don’t specify how you should touch the grass, you can just go punch the shit out of someone’s lawn
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Why do people brag about how little sleep they get?
“Yeah I only get like 3 or 4 hours a night”
Cool man, I guess I’ll just… continue having a better life than yours
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!