Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WEBSITE: Forgetting something? We noticed you left something in your basket

MOSES’S PARENTS: ummm…

Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day

Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.

[self checkout]

daaaaang i look good

Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.

Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.

calling a guy “my ex”

-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriend

calling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”

-true
-but makes me look pathetic

“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”

Bumping into someone you know more than once in the same supermarket visit…

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

“We really must stop meeting like this!”

I propose we rename our seasons:

• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit

GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems

Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume

When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.

Meet my wife, the dream killer.

please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”

Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it

I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”

I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…

You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.

It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.

However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.

Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.

Seven nuclear reactors just for this 😭

For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.

got so drunk last night that I ate a salad

how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”

I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”

She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”

My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready

Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?

Her: White male, early 40s, overweight

Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky

The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.

Want proof advertising works?

I just bought a Goodyear blimp.

I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem