Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…

I hope everything is ok.

I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.

I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.

When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.

“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark

Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!

-my baby

I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it

All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.

On the night before Christmas, I was taking a walk,

Avoiding my girlfriend, who “needed to talk.”

When what on my new hat did appear,

But a sprinkling of poo from eight flying reindeer!

The old sleigh driver flew on so quick,

I shook my fist and yelled, “You stupid prick!”

I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.

Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift

Pretend you’re a kangaroo by sticking a photo of your child out of the top of your trousers.

I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what

I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.

Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper

I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.

Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs

Google: do you have any enemies?

A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.

No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.

“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”

“Yeah….so is a grenade”

colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan

ME: wow look at all these hotties

FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that

My 20mo came in while I was giving 4yo a bath w a bath bomb. “Pink bath?” She asked, dumbfounded. My husband took her to her room but seconds later she came thundering down the hall, pointing, blinded by the injustice, “PINK BATH!!” She yelled and tried to climb in fully clothed.

#merica

I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand

Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.

I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.

My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her

Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.

I’m not lazy

Me: Waiter, check please!

Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.

Me: Thank you.