Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”

If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:

iDied.

Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…

*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*

dam girl

I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.

Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.

Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.

My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.

Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar

“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows

Me: I want more

Dentist: excuse me?

Me: you know how you take teeth out?

Dentist: yea

Me: do that but the opposite

Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?

My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?

Me: Um, can you be more specific?

Husband: Let’s focus on this week

Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-

Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.

Just put on my brand new shirt.

Now to take a big sip of coffee and check to see why Dave Grohl is trending on Twitter…

If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩

Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!

My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.

I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.

YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.

Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.

I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.

A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.

I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs

her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssst

GOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE

Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.

every Crock-Pot recipe:

– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low

I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.

Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.

pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed

I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.