Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.

CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.

2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 Single

Reward me for consistency please

I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.

I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..

Pros and cons of doing something you love:

Pros: It’s something you love

Cons: Doing.

“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”

[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.

Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction

In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder

I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”

When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.

They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.

Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.

Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.

A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks

trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night

Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?

Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.

Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot

What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?

Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.

Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.

Me: Can…can I join, too?

the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors

So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?

When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.

Super excited about a brand new year full of questionable life choices

Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.

oh she’s cooked

[job interview]

Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …

A map of the US presidential election results if you are viewing it as a dog