Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am

[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY

Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.

*pointing at menu* this is nutrient free right? does this come nutrient free?

Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.

Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.

am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise

MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress

ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work

Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.

Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?

Friend: 6th grade

Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.

Friend: Computers?

My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.

This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.

You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities

Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts

at my size, i’d be called buffet the vampire slayer.

When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…

if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing

What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.

The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”

[a commercial for tampons]

Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for

“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”

Narrator: “Tampons”

The most common things I say to my kids, by store:

Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”

Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”

Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”

I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.

In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”

Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.

Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!

Me: Weird…

I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.

If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.

Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.

*15th century*

Shaggy: ‘Twas not I

Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.

6: OK. But who makes the rules?

Me:

6:

Both of us: Mom.

Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.

babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu