Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA

Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun

[Dracula bites a pig]

Me: ohhhhh, hampire

[Bedroom at midnight]

*scary noises*

Husband: is… is someone in here?

*demonic sounds from the closet*

Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore

*sad demonic noises*

[before sex]

Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador

Her: why’s that?

Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags

Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…

Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?

Bowling Ball:

[feather on the ground]

4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!

Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.

4: I know. They fell off.

Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.

It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display

me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something

my printer: *territorial printer noises*

You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”

For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.

Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.

I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.

Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.

Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.

Heard there was a new crazy RFK Jr story and then looked it up and was like, “Oh. He just had an affair.”
That’s normal terrible rich guy shit. I thought I was gonna find out he tried to put a gorilla in a Han Solo carbonite machine or something.

Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths

I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going

Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.

I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.

Many commentators say that vigilante groups are never the answer. But they clearly don’t know the masked Ecuadorian trio named “Acción Ortográfica Quito,” who roam the streets at night with a singular purpose: to correct all the spelling and grammar mistakes they find in graffiti

If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.

Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.

Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.

The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.

Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213

There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode

If you want a nice quiet lunch, try a Shhhushi Bar.

Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run