“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
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They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
If I was a marriage counselor, I would make the couple each use ANY dating app for 2 minutes.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels