Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Church is like prison for me: they can’t keep me out.”

– Midnight, a church friend

It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…

Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?

Store mannequin:

Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?

4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full

Me: are you sure…

4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!

Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…

4yo: Can I have a snack?

Me: 🧐

I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.

Husband: I don’t understand

Kids: MOM MOM

H: how we are not

K: DAD DAD

H: able to get

K: MOM MOM

H: more done around the house?

Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD

H: Never mind.

IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck

dispatch, i’m on scene here in the woods. victims name is fudd. damnedest thing i ever seen. his rifle’s bent so the barrel was pointin back at him. witness said a rabbit run off right after the shot. yeah his head is off at the shoulders, clean. get me next of kin if ya can.

[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife

Kid: I love you so much!

Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.

Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.

Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.

Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?

Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.

Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?

I put the mess in domestic.

Gravestone inscription “Hey guys, I’m going to be taking a little break from social media”

Everybody just wants to get off…

….This elevator because that guy stinks

Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know

Gary 1: You have a fetish for-

*BLAM BLAM BLAM*

Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary

Hot wings have killed many people starting with a dude named Icarus.

The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.

i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol

Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.

Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.

*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*

Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .

Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.

Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.

I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.

Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible

Just realized that the baby is almost 20 years old so it’s probably time I stop saying I need to lose the baby weight.

The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.