Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.

You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago

The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.

Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.

How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.

Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.

I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”

You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.

no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big

People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.

Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.

Okay

If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?

So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.

Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?

Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?

Exec: damn that’s so good

What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?

Wishful thinking. Obviously

4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge

One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.

Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.

Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.

Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: that’s the sky.

Toddler: what’s sky mean?

Me: sky means sky.

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: that’s grass.

Toddler: what’s grass mean?

Me: grass means grass.

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: tears.

Toddler: what’s tears mean?

Me: it means please just stop.

I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!

Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.

“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.

ME: my contract says I can work from home

BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine

When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”

7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?

Me: Dad.

7: Then how come you look older?

Me: Santa’s not real.

My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.

I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.

Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.