Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair

Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.

Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.

Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*

Repeat forever.

I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.

Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.

[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced

Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.

I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.

I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.

Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal

A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.

Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.

Cashier: Big weekend plans?

Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.

*eating freshly baked cookies*

4: I want lots more!

Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache

4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!

The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling

Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.

Me: Then what?

Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.

Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.

My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked

[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY

Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?

Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?

Same post same

My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed

ME: I took a bus tour of the the city today.

WIFE: Oh really. How did it go?

ME: The driver turned the ignition and pressed down on the gas.

HER: Get out.

[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.

8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.

Me: you don’t say…

Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.

bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more

me: I challenge you to a fish fight

them: you mean fist fight?

Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no

Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies

Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.

Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill

WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.

first wiseman: i brought you gold

second wiseman: i brought you frankincense

third wiseman: i brought you myrrh

fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself

mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down