I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
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Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Hmmmmm
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!