Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me

WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?

my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship

“Unprecedented times” at this point would be if something nice happened like we all got a coupon for a free sandwich

[carnival]

ME: How do I win?

CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table

ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*

CARNIE: Oh shi-

Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.

It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.

Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.

If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.

[ At the ball ]

Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?

Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.

Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro

Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?

I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket

Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.

If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles

grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?

me: no. one only.

They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.

My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.

Me *putting honey on toast*

Son: do you know bees make that?

Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot

[Later]
Date: tell me something interesting

Me: bees make toast

ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something

[Later on date]

ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?

Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor

Me: one mcflurry please

Cashier: the machine is down

Me: awe then one for the machine too

dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife

Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”

The Lord: “You still have that?”

I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home

Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?

Me: Absolutely.

*gel pack explodes*

Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.

ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]

DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!

Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?

Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE

A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.

Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don’t work

Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there