Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*

6yo: Are we there yet?

Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…

Body: LOL.

I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.

Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself

Two rotisserie chickens.

One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.

We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.

sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior

[Getting phone call from the School]

Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.

M: Did he win?

T: That’s not really relevant.

M: It is to the winner.

At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.

SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.

Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?

[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*

As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.

Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.

When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.

I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.

ME: someone stole my credit card number

BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?

ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them

Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks

Penguins walking in 5x speed

Me: *staring at leftovers* I think I’ll save the rest of this for later.

[10 mins later]

Also me: I guess this is later enough.

[family dinner]

my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren

me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.

I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.

I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.

Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool

Why do people say “get well soon”?

Why don’t you want me to get well now?

I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”

The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you’d almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.

Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test

Detainee: I mean ok

Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest

Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”

If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.

kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am

Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.

Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate