Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”

Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.

wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”

Me, homeschooling:

If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?

The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:

Sup

Hello dear

Thanks for the follow!

Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?

This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.

Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.

The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.

You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.

Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*

I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.

Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?

Me: I got fired?

Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant

My neighbor is mowing his lawn.

There is snow on the ground.

[locks doors]

The second world war should have been called world war returns

😂🍻

When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.

Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs

ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth

My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?

GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no

I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.

toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*

There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.

Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?

Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!

Do you have little ones who are nervous about flying? This is a great bedtime read before you go.

The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding

[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands