Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What to make for dinner: the chicken with the green things they hate, the chicken with the sauce they hate, or the plain chicken they hate?

The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.

[job interview]

him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol

“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!

Comedy booker: how much time can you do?

Me: I have an hour

Comedy booker: there might be children there

Me: I have 7 seconds

[i see a hot girl walking her dog]

me: hi, can i ask you a question?

her: hi, uh, sure

me: i was talking to your dog

her: oh haha ok

me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me

{On Tinder}

ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please

Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies

Corn Dogs: Uninserted

Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously

The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people

“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.

“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI show up drunk on Fridays and sexually harass my coworkers

I once had a tweet go bacterial.

My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.

it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead

My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office

Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂

Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.

If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.

Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.

you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:

“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”

well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:

“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”

BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.

PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?

ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.

my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot

Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit

Horrifying, yet familiar

The devil.

While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems

Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.

You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese