Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..

The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.

*Followed*

Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.

I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?

That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.

When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.

MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]

Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.

Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?

[me living in a hallmark movie]

oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?

well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!

WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!

when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job

If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.

My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.

Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.

Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work

[making pigs in a blanket]

6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.

Me: What should we call them?

6: Nobody you know in a blanket.

Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.

can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.

[lying in bed]

Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women

ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!

Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.

I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.

It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.

-everyone on Twitter

“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene

Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.

No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.

If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?

I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.

Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”

Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.

I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.