Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY

The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight

Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.

I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave

I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…

…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.

I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket

[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends

I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.

Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?

Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.

Wife: I counted 19.

Me: Well I rounded down.

A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution

My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off

First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.

me: how do you like the future?

lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car

me: what is it?

lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them

This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?

According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illness

And the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”

Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.

Just ordered me some pizza!

I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.

Me: I once ate undercooked chicken at a restaurant for months because I didn’t want to upset the server.

Them: Why…why didn’t you just stop ordering the chicken?

Me: Hindsight is 20/20, David.

Me: is there anything on my face

Him: no you’re good

[15 minutes later]

Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair

Him: you didn’t ask about your hair

Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.

Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.

me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap

executioner: coming right up

I don’t really ever worry about being kidnapped because my 6yo would just find me and ask for a snack.

Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously

You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you

“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”

My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock

mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.

I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.